This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: February 26, 2021
February 19
My dog done lost his DAMN MIND WTF pic.twitter.com/G8IOyTMMnO
β darius.christ (@darius_julian) February 19, 2021
Companies: "We're committed to diversity."
β braveen kumar (@braveenk) February 20, 2021
The diversity:
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π¨πΎπ¨π»π©πΏπ©πΌπ©πΎβπ¦°
when you're having a great time with your new toy but then find out it's not for you pic.twitter.com/CNUvnVeN03
β Living Morganism π± (@ok_girlfriend) February 19, 2021
republicans: if you don't like it here then leave
β slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) February 20, 2021
ted cruz: ok
republicans: not you idiot
Couples on onlyfans captioning their videos like "oiled up slut takes bbc" like sir, that is your wife.
β Majin Buu (@Jessieraee5) February 19, 2021
Instead of having to raise money to survive every catastrophe, I think we should have some kind of official body made up of people we choose that collects a set percentage of money from every American and then uses that money to give us aid during crises
β Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) February 19, 2021
We bought this pillow and it's perfect pic.twitter.com/AXxsIVQSxS
β ππ₯Sabinπ₯π (@Aszabla) February 19, 2021
Scientists have successfully combined every Seinfeld character pic.twitter.com/wmxFAl4Odm
β Uncles Rights Activist (@DaveMcNamee3000) February 19, 2021
February 20
Years ago I did a walking tour of Berlin. At one point, the guide solemnly explained some atrocity that happened where we were standing. After a pause, a Scottish guy in the group broke the silence, asking "That club you mentioned before... do they play proper nosebleed techno?"
β Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) February 20, 2021
Just read about Australia's oldest man. He's called Alfie Dates, he's 109 and he knits really lovely tiny sweaters for injured penguins. pic.twitter.com/Lc3uxNIzmW
β Lisa Allen (@LisaTheAllen) February 20, 2021
My 6 year old son just asked me how I know his name... I'm not in the mood today
β πππππ€π₯π¦ππΎββοΈ (@Neyogems) February 20, 2021
This may be the best one of these I ever saw.
β BILL OAKLEY (@thatbilloakley) February 21, 2021
(Credit: Luke Allsop, thanks to DankSimpsons and MyNameIsOmar on IG) pic.twitter.com/7tHrHGcVON
40 yo comedian: "sorry i tried to fuck teens"
β kai (@kaichoyce) February 21, 2021
His fans: THE KING IS BACK
I don't get why people think Bert and Ernie are the gay Muppets when Statler and Waldorf are right there, throwing shade from a BOX SEAT AT THE THEATRE
β Doug Dodson (@DougDodsonENews) February 20, 2021
hot people who eat croissants are dangerous
β traitor joe (@phoebe_bridgers) February 21, 2021
February 21
β adam (@scotchfields) February 21, 2021
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it's time to get into the world changer
β Ron Iver (@ronnui_) February 21, 2021
When i die, don't say "I know he's up in heaven now watching over us".
β Woodrow (@danielwoodrow) February 22, 2021
I promise you Im not...
Like I literally dont even think about ya'll when I'm on vacation. Soooooo....
Charcuterie ain't nothing but some Lunchables that went to Harvard.
β AC Tatum (@actatumonline) February 22, 2021
in ur COVID relationship which of u is the beautiful shut-in who tends the garden and which of u is the nasty little goblin who ventures into town every Tuesday to endure the jeers of townsfolk at the grocery store
β Rave Sashayed (@_sashayed) February 21, 2021
no one ever tells you how often you'll whisper "righty tighty, lefty loosey" to yourself as an adult and they really should
β Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) February 21, 2021
all these youths trying to cancel skinny jeans clearly never experienced this trauma pic.twitter.com/QCLj240mlw
β fan of jorts (@LipServX) February 22, 2021
woody allen: i'm married to my girlfriend's daughter. check out my famous film Manhattan where i play a pedophile
β Joey π§ (@joeyviglietta) February 21, 2021
society: the man is an enigma. what is truth and what is fiction? it's impossible to tell
CAN Y'ALL BELIEVE I GOT A PICTURE WITH A PIGEON???;;@;@:& pic.twitter.com/mO6NDFKn4y
β melα΄΄ (@japancurIy) February 22, 2021
No.
β Is Daft Punk Touring (@daftpunkontour) February 22, 2021
February 22
R.I.P Daft Punk
β Jeremie (@JeremieHalimi) February 22, 2021
1993-2021 pic.twitter.com/UtMpBDrTnn
Now that Daft Punk is gone we have no use for France
β Uncle Brad (@bradchitis) February 22, 2021
β The Horny Police (@TheeHornyyPoPo) February 22, 2021
BREAKING: CANADA releases vaccine roll-out priority list
β Arthur Simeon (@ArthurSimeon) February 22, 2021
1. William Shatner
2. Billionaires disguised as front-line workers
3. The Zamboni driver who beat the Leafs
4. American entertainers
5. Jessica Mulroney
6. Roz & Mocha
Uber eats driver couldn't find my house so pic.twitter.com/dxDcJUnJOC
β __ (@spxc_ii) February 22, 2021
What do I win pic.twitter.com/9lT7aqaGvC
β Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) February 23, 2021
my kid randomly told me "I'm gonna go do namaste in the backyard be back soon"
β kelsey gamble (@kindofsquishy) February 22, 2021
this is... apparently... namaste pic.twitter.com/7SyVOWneEh
Here's an idea I have for a reverse bayonet pic.twitter.com/c817jJurdj
β Cameron Bradford (@camerobradford) February 23, 2021
Might order this for my vaccinations. pic.twitter.com/tduzdEQlTM
β ohchrissavidge (@ohchrissavidge) February 22, 2021
toxic masculinity implies the existence of ooops i did it again masculinity and hit me baby one more time masculinity
β "Dropbear" / i write TTRPGS! (@GamesDropbear) February 22, 2021
That's a lot of candles for somebody that owe me $2,000 https://t.co/A2mwnMxbHs
β The Big Stabler (@ChefWaites) February 23, 2021
February 23
"we didn't do anything, joe" pic.twitter.com/aGcmSgizPG
β zach silberberg (@zachsilberberg) February 23, 2021
worst thing about getting the vaccine shot was when i had to take off my blink 182 sweatshirt and everyone saw i was also wearing a blink 182 t-shirt
β pilot (@pilotviruet) February 23, 2021
i ain't victim-blaming, but why tf was an egg sitting on a wall
β Elle oh Elle (@ellewasamistake) February 23, 2021
can't stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
β Jewish Space Laser (@goulcher) February 23, 2021
Can we just skip to the part where we find out Doug Ford has a friend who owns a bracelet factory https://t.co/Xvlp7TRz5w
β Jon Blair (@okjonblair) February 23, 2021
Yo who let their dad on tiktok???? pic.twitter.com/JWjajnSJjj
β Tπ³π¬ (@stillt1to) February 24, 2021
boyfriend said please stop buying mugs we're two people we don't need 20 mugs I said fucking break up with me then I'll literally never stop
β suzie true (@suzietrueband) February 23, 2021
if you're under 5'5, your pronouns are ima/little/tea/pot
β c. sinclair. (@s_inclairr) February 23, 2021
February 24
an editor said to me the other day, "we are not working remotely. we are living at work."
β Erin B. Logan (@erinblogan) February 24, 2021
β molly (plant mom era) πΏ (@DoSomeMolly) February 25, 2021
Getting called ageist by 14 year old anarchists for saying teenagers are stupid
β garf n beans (@hotchipliar) February 24, 2021
swimming is so embarrassing everyone can see you want to be alive
β john (@mrjohndarby) February 24, 2021
Are you fucking kidding me pic.twitter.com/SxPJYGHN3m
β Bovril Lavigne (@gordihyena) February 24, 2021
The Nephew From U.N.C.L.E
β Nick Flanagan (@theflans) February 25, 2021
LOL!!!
β CanadianPam (@PamelaApostolo1) February 24, 2021
The City of Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada, is pleading with residents to stop making erotic snow sculptures like this β οΈπ¨π¦ pic.twitter.com/6JStOlEh9s
How the FUCK did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy become so offended by everything?
β Emily the Strange (@livingbreadgurl) February 24, 2021
This is a high school band practice in Wenatchee,WA pic.twitter.com/q2prCJemX0
β Ari Hoffman (@thehoffather) February 24, 2021
February 25
I SEE YOU ALL!
β Brandon Ash-Mohammed (@BrandonAMcomedy) February 25, 2021
Here is my second piece on @22_Minutes about Season Allyship!!!
Y'all watch!!!! https://t.co/Kf6lNM1lJ5
costco raised their minimum wage to $16 and i am thinking about this again pic.twitter.com/h8S7cX0PSm
β danaka (@wifeoftoast) February 25, 2021
Nerd Immunity https://t.co/wZc3edUr6a
β CEO of Vibes (@SortaBad) February 25, 2021