This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: February 5, 2021
January 29
why are they calling it jewish space laser when death star of david is right there
β Steve Kandell (@SteveKandell) January 29, 2021
BEASTIE BOYS: I'm the Brooklyn hazer, the man with the taser, going coast to coast with my jewish space laser
β James Urbaniak (@JamesUrbaniak) January 30, 2021
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that's nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
β charlotte (@charlvickers) January 29, 2021
I've tweeted this before, but my ethics professor impregnated his son's girlfriend. I think about it every class
β Sierra Armor πΌπ£ππ€ (@unbridled_id) January 30, 2021
"When the pandemic ends"
β REKβοΈ (@REKSZN) January 29, 2021
The Pandemic: pic.twitter.com/Ogkqg3ooCg
2020 : people realizing time isn't real.
β π AvTheSurgeonπΏ (@Avalldar) January 29, 2021
2021 : people realizing money isn't real.
How is this guy always having such a good time and I lie awake feeling guilty about something I said in high school https://t.co/1vMiK7xpAm
β Casey James Salengo (@caseyJsalengo) January 30, 2021
January 30
Man, how hot do you think Freud's mom was?
β Rachel McCartney (@RachelMComedy) January 30, 2021
I feel presentation is as important as the meal itself. pic.twitter.com/J7tXa3UPin
β Fergi (@LolaFaglana) January 31, 2021
My "friends from Twitter" table at my wedding is gonna be lit.
β F (@xxxenshallah) January 30, 2021
I've been doing my parents food shopping for them since March, and today it dawned on me that they go through a full can of whipped cream every week. Theyre in their 70s and 80s and I'm afraid to ask them what the fuck is going on. π€
β π Death Row Tull π (@dukewindsor388) January 31, 2021
this still funny to me pic.twitter.com/C1LP6QGN4j
β ethan (@ethquann) January 30, 2021
How it started: How it's going: pic.twitter.com/7WNZjsZIVd
β KnowNothing (@KnowNothingTV) January 30, 2021
wtf guy on bumble was like "I don't like bumble can we talk on snap?" I was like "I don't have snap u can message me on insta" and he was like "I don't have insta what about kik" I was like "I don't have kik what abt comments section of youtube video" and he unmatched me
β Sahana Srinivasan (@sahana_srini) January 31, 2021
January 31
lmao this is the most 2021 rejection ever pic.twitter.com/jkEIkNkvOI
β Sarah Kelly (@thesarahkelly) January 31, 2021
Anime movin thru the black community like crack in the 80s
β Sanyu βοΈ waifuenergy stan acct (@tomboysanyu) January 31, 2021
If you loved Ted Lasso, I don't think it's because it's "low stakes," think it's because no one in the show is really an asshole and you're not being asked to empathize with a selfish person. Think on the popular comedies of the last 10 years.
β Matt Debenham (@debenham) January 31, 2021
if unemployment benefits you wish to see, you first must solve these riddles three
β mister "tea" (@chuchugoogoo) January 31, 2021
you're a writer why don't you write your own tweet https://t.co/y1AHaviE45
β $V (@not_a_heather) January 31, 2021
my side of the bed vs my bfs side of the bed pic.twitter.com/dopdoVuPw0
β hanny styles (@hannystyles69) January 31, 2021
Ah yes. Black History Month Eve. pic.twitter.com/ZKuAdLDdxU
β AB (@brhownsugaaa_) January 31, 2021
Maybe it wasn't such a great idea to reduce the number of classes that teach civics, democracy and American history?
β Michael Beschloss (@BeschlossDC) January 31, 2021
February 1
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
β Duffy (@MelissatheDuffy) February 2, 2021
Just a heads up, if you're getting the vaccine. My post-vax symptoms include fever, tingling, my arms are heavy, there's vomit on my sweater already, mom's spaghetti
β Annam β» (irresponsible diabetic) (@AnnamLaughs) February 2, 2021
life pre covid was so unsanitary if you actually think about it.
β dizzle (@wendizzle__) February 1, 2021
Admission to heaven is 90% determined by spelling and grammar.
β God (@TheTweetOfGod) February 1, 2021
Just did my own taxes . I should be in jail by Friday.
β THEMESS (@cityyyy___) February 1, 2021
February 2
every day I wake up and begin the 16 hour process of getting ready for bed
β ye π (@yedoye_) February 2, 2021
Who is this, the judge at my trial? pic.twitter.com/bGFM1djZ7t
β Chris Locke (@chrislockeworld) February 3, 2021
MY FRIEND JUST SEND ME THIS WTF HAHAHA pic.twitter.com/GoamRyL2tV
β Kayjii (@kayjii) February 2, 2021
If a monkey hoarded more bananas than it could eat, while most of the other monkeys starved, scientists would study that monkey to figure out what the heck was wrong with it. When humans do it, we put them on the cover of Forbes.
β Nathalie Robin Justice (@welcomewords) February 2, 2021
Why did everyone look so old in the 80s' and 90's? Clyde Drexler was 27 in this photo. 27. pic.twitter.com/6xNORVJoob
β MF DANNY (@YaBoyDannyBlaze) February 3, 2021
so my cats an idiot pic.twitter.com/GiBx4ua67j
β sarah π (@lunarcrossing_) February 2, 2021
One of the most rewarding things I've ever done is receive a reward.
β George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) February 2, 2021
Blocked, a Star Wars Story pic.twitter.com/yWL6rWX2mK
β The Gregory Brothers (@gregorybrothers) February 3, 2021
ππππ pic.twitter.com/qOXp56XX0P
β π€ (@SouthBeachSheed) February 2, 2021
β ben wasserman (@benwassertweet) February 2, 2021
americans be like "foreign traditions are so weird π€ͺ" then give a rat named phil a holiday so he can predict the weather
β first-mate prance (@bocxtop) February 2, 2021
February 3
chrissy teigen accidentally spending $13,000 on wine is actually relatable because one time i accidentally spent tens of thousands of dollars on college tuition only to realize i'm taking classes from home
β hey bestie (@lyxopk) February 4, 2021
Fun fact: "Throwing money at the problem" is, indeed, a solution when the problem itself stems from underfunding.
β Aidan Smith (@aidan_smx) February 4, 2021
this headline is bursting with flavor pic.twitter.com/0lpEHihNx3
β Garbage Ape 𦧠(@GarbageApe) February 4, 2021
here is something that I like. it features an excellent punchline, just top-notch pic.twitter.com/2SKkiPinOk
β Six Angry Ghosts (@sixangryghosts) February 3, 2021
One part of adulthood no one prepared me for: You have a phone with you at all times. The phone rings ten times a day. Every time it rings, the person calling is a robot trying to steal your social security number.
β Lauren O'Neal (@laureneoneal) February 3, 2021
February 4
Olive oil, sea salt, red pepper flakes... Oregon has (unwisely) decriminalized bein Italian https://t.co/bF6tdLOsHr
β maple cocaine (@maplecocaine) February 4, 2021
My worst fear is I write a poem and I want to share it with others
β raina (@quakerraina) February 4, 2021
Old enough to remember when conservatives tried to cancel French fries.
β Brian Murphy (@Burrite) February 4, 2021
bruh why are u reverse parking at 7 am in the dunkin donuts parking lot. it's not that serious
β Queen Kitten (5'5 and Officially 25) (@ElaniKitten) February 4, 2021
Bands re-imagined as vintage kids cartoon shows. Another self indulgent series of drawings by me. pic.twitter.com/coymTPNDOU
β Stuff_By_Mark (@The_Ren1981) February 4, 2021